Wednesday, July 22, 2020
Happy Wednesday. I hope this finds you well.
Monday night as I was drifting off to sleep, Spirit sent me a song that I haven’t thought about in years – the song was “Hole Hearted” by Extreme. But when it came to me, I thought the title was “Wholehearted” and that’s the way I searched for it in YouTube this morning. It was a little bit of a surprise to see that’s not how they spelled it, but it made sense when I looked up the lyrics:
Ooh yeah wooh Hey hey hey hey hey yeah Life's ambition occupy my time Priorities confuse the mind Happiness one step behind This inner peace I've yet to find
Rivers flow into the sea Yet even the sea is not so full of me If I'm not blind why can't I see That a circle can't fit where a square should be
CHORUS There's a hole in my heart That can only be filled by you And this hole in my heart Can't be filled with the things I do Hole hearted (x2)
This heart of stone is where I hide These feet of clay kept warm inside Day by day less satisfied Not fade away before I die
REPEAT SECOND VERSE REPEAT CHORUS
There's a hole in my heart That can only be filled by you Should have known from the start I'd fall short with the things I do Hole hearted (x6) Yeah
Songwriters: Gary F. Cherone / Nuno Bettencourt
Hole Hearted lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
Honestly, I’m glad looked up the lyrics, because it’s not quite the message I remembered about this song – and I have to say on the heels of that, that Spirit is always right. Spirit always knows.
My interpretation of the lyrics of this song, of the meaning, is that there is something missing in this life the singer is leading. He stays busy chasing these dreams and doing all these things that occupy his time. But the happiness he’s hoping these things will give him remains apart from him, and the peace that he wants as well can’t be found.
Why is that?
My interpretation is that he’s missing an essential part of his being – a relationship with God, Source, Creator, whatever word works for you to describe the Power that Is.
Now, I’ve been on a spiritual path for many years, even before my psychic/intuitive abilities opened on my 40th birthday. Even before my abilities opened, I was into yoga, meditation, expanding my consciousness, healing my traumas, opening my heart.
And spirituality has been a lifelong focus of mine -I was deeply involved in my church when I was a kid and young adult.
But I have also had a longstanding grudge against God.
I’ve had an anger, a rage directed at Source since before I came into my current incarnation.
My whole life has been spent in spiritual pursuit of Source, seeking to build a relationship that felt whole, peaceful, healed, stable, and all-encompassing.
And it has always eluded me because of this rage, this anger, this grudge I’ve been carrying through prior incarnations.
I could never get close enough, could never build an intimate enough relationship because the anger was always in the way. I mean, how close are you going to be with someone if you feel pissed as holy hell at them, and you’re totally avoiding it? Totally not talking about it? Not expressing it, not healing it? That issue is going to cause a significant barrier in your relationship with that other person, that other being, right?
It is only now, within this year, that I have gotten real, significant, meaningful healing on this rage I’ve had against God. I know my whole life up to this point has been working toward the resolution of it, the healing of it – and yet it feels like the healing has suddenly manifested very quickly in the last couple of months.
I received an energetic reading from a dear colleague and friend of mine, Christine Marguerite (www.lovevolvenergy.com) a few weeks ago that really got things rolling. It was during that reading that I got confirmation that I came into this lifetime with the rage already, that it wasn’t caused by the childhood sexual trauma I suffered like I thought it did.
Somehow, knowing I came into this body and this lifetime with that rage made a huge difference in how I looked at it; I honestly felt myself loosen my grip on it once I knew that.
I feel that this song “Hole Hearted” was sent to me by Source, telling me, “You know you’re never going to have what it is you want so much until you allow this healing. You’re always going to feel incomplete until you allow this healing between us. Nothing will ever take the place of the relationship you yearn for with Me, the reunion you desire between you and Me.”
Source is always right.
I think Source sent the song as a way of saying, “It’s time.”
And that healing really took flight this morning in meditation. I accessed the part of me that has been so pissed off at God. And I let her go fucking crazy – in my mind’s eye, I gave her a sledgehammer and put her in a room of valuable breakables. Furniture, glass, metal, cloth, anything and everything that could be pulverized, ripped, shredded, and pounded on. She swung that hammer like a deranged lumberjack, shattering, splintering, annihilating objects; kicking, screaming, stomping, and raging like a mad thing.
And it sounds like she was separate from me, some other entity – but I assure you, we were as one.
Even in my meditation, I felt my body twitch and tense, my breath caught and quickened, like I was really in that room venting my rage. I felt the heat of it come up from my solar plexus and heart – literal body heat that felt like burning coals.
Finally, she was spent. She threw the hammer down, collapsed into a sobbing heap. I ran to her, cradled that part of myself in my own arms until she cried herself out. She told me that she wasn’t angry anymore, but she was also not ready to be reintegrated into my whole self yet. She needed time to reflect, to rest, to recuperate, to process what just happened. To know herself again, to know God again.
So with my heart brimming over with compassion for us both, I left her there, giving her that space and time to heal in her own way, to come to terms with what was and what has been healed, what that means going forward.
My conscious self can feel where a readjustment period is necessary as well – because this healing is also part of the work I’ve been doing for a number of years on taking down my blocks to receiving love. It’s all intertwined, all connected, you see.
That’s how God works, though, in my experience – you never get a healing, a resolution, or a blessing that only impacts a single facet of your life; when Source acts in your life, it always ends up being a ripple effect because everything is connected. A blessing in my spiritual being affects my mind, my body, and my heart.
Anyway. Although the experience of this morning’s meditation was incredible in the moment, I’m also beginning to feel the true, deeper significance of it all seeping through my awareness on all levels. I feel the Divine energy of this dripping through all the parts of me. I’ll be unpacking this healing and integrating it for a little while, I feel that intuitively.
It feels beautiful, feels raw, feels holy. And it feels like the completion of a circle, the beginning of a new one.
Isn’t that wonderful?